My Beautiful Breakdown

This is a poem I wrote to my younger self going through my manic episode.  This is for those going through or who have gone through something like this. It’s also for those who have seen someone go through it, or are wanting to know what it’s like. This is also, in a big way, for me. This was incredibly difficult to share – I never thought I would. But I believe it’s important to share because I wish someone had shared with me when I was going through it.

I wrote this for you because I care about you and want you to know there’s hope and that life will get better.

You beautiful thing
your mind is so strong
that it pulls you in waves
and through rivers so long

You ask yourself, why?
You ask yourself, how?
But as you reflect
it all makes sense now

It started when the stress
was too much to take
You tried your damn best
but could no longer fake

You suddenly felt it
a monumental shift
from deeply depressed
to a higher than high lift

It rocked your world
and changed your perspective
but soon turned over the top
you became hyper reflective

You wrote and you wrote
all your new thoughts
Your mind was at war
Old ideals were fought

You knew something was off
but thought, “it’s meant to be”
since you had been so depressed
you thought, “finally I’m happy”

Your boyfriend – he saved you
He knew you weren’t right
He lovingly cared for you
all through that night

You saw lips moving
and saw expressions change
Regardless of this,
you could hear no voice in range

It terrified you
and still does to this day
“How can I not hear
all the things that they say?”

You knew in that moment
you needed some help
They took you away
to a room by yourself

They gave you a pill
It knocked you asleep
In the morning you woke,
believing it was a dream

You couldn’t understand
when three doctors said
your diagnosis was bipolar
you felt so much dread

There are things I want to tell you
Things I learned after long
Things I want to share with you
How this will make you strong

It will shape you and help you
This will make life feel new
You are a growing flower
And the sky when it’s blue

When all this went down
You were wondering how
You could ever write again
And look at you now

Please do not fear this
they don’t give you a clue
that many people go through this
It’s not only you

So pick up your head
because you will get through
You’re not alone at all
This is your chance to start new