I Found it Again

That angry voice…the voice that drove me to threaten a stranger in the middle of a busy city street.

It has been awhile since I’ve been so closely acquainted with this voice, and I have not missed it. As a matter of fact, I almost forgot it was in me.

Fight or Flight?

I chose fight. I usually do. But I think there’s a middle ground and I desperately wish to be there. Fighting – truly fighting – it hurts my heart. It feels like I am going against myself. Even though this is true, I still find it damn near impossible not to give in to that fight in me that demands to be seen, heard, and felt. It’s big. Monstrous even. Someone once told me that the reason my emotions are so strong is because they’re bottled up in such a little girl. I may look little but if you saw the look in my eyes when I am fighting, you wouldn’t recognize me. I hardly recognize me…which is why it’s so upsetting.

What went down:

SO this dude honks at me as I’m trying to cross the street right outside my gym. He honked because he was trying to parallel park and I was in his way while I looked to my left for oncoming traffic. Upon hearing the honk, I turned to my right and saw his car with the reverse lights on. So I stepped out of the street and back onto the sidewalk to give him space. I watched him park and then looked to see who the honker was through the front window…and guess what I saw? A man flipping me off. A grown ass man flipping me off for not seeing him trying to park where I was standing. This ignited a roaring fire in me. It was almost as if I was observing myself act, but it was all in the hands of my fiery fight.

I gave him the finger back and kept walking to my car. Furious, I saw my coworker across the street and made a big and loud deal about this dude who gave me the finger. The dude steps out of his car and asked what I was saying. I told him that I’m telling my coworker how rude he was. He started swearing at me, so I called him some names and used some strong wording to tell him how terrible he was and to threaten him if he kept up with this. He was still talking shit, so I marched back into the gym and told my boyfriend what was happening. He sprinted outside and talked to the dude. Eventually, my boyfriend incredibly got the dude to come into our building and apologize to me. It was such a strange experience, but it left me feeling completely depleted, and so upset with myself for letting it go that far.

Yes, you heard me, I am UPSET WITH MYSELF.

I should be mad at this stranger. I should be thankful he apologized. But all I can feel is shame at how I acted. And I keep going back and replaying the details, wondering if I’d handle it any differently given a second chance. I just don’t know if I would…when this angry, vicious fighter in me knocks on my door and welcomes herself in, she takes over. It just didn’t feel like “me”.

But at the end of the day, it was me.

I have to live with how I handled things. And maybe it’s ok that I acted the way I acted. Maybe it’s ok that things escalated the way they did. Maybe that had to happen for that dude to learn a lesson and prevent some future event that could have been much worse. Maybe this was the final straw for me in keeping my own peace and starving that angry ball of energy in me. I really hope it was.

Long story short…

I’m fed up with getting angry over things I cannot control. I desperately want to be more in control of myself when it comes to situations like this. I still feel bad about what happened but I’m trying my best to proceed forward. It’s not easy for me, but I hope to have a different story for you soon. One where I master this angry side of me.

I may have found that voice again, but I promise you her days are numbered.

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